Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a prize fight?
A: In a hockey game, the fights are real.
The other day, when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke out!
Canadian Hockey Conversion Table
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) • New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. • Canadians plant gardens.
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C) • Californians shiver uncontrollably. • Canadians Sunbathe.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) • Italian Cars won't start • Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) • Distilled water freezes • Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) • New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. • Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C) • Hollywood disintegrates. • Canadians rent some videos.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) • Mt. St. Helens freezes. • Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) • Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. • Canadians pull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) • Ethyl alcohol Freezes. • Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) • Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. • Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) • Hell freezes over. • The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
Ice-Hockey Player Quantitative Skills are as cool
An ice-hockey coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Old Hockey Injury
Sandy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Joe, noticed and asked Sandy what happened. Sandy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Joe, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Sandy, "Oh I don't play. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I got mad and put my foot through the television."
What Do You Believe Hockey Is
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentlemen before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history". To that God says "take the seat to my left". God then turns to Steve and says, "Steve, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that God says "take the seat to my right". God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies "I believe you are sitting in my seat."
Hockey Face-Off
Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey? A: There's a 'face-off' in the corner.
Hockey Player Trade
A hockey player is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, " Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" " I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob. " Oh!" exclaims Doug, " Good trade."
Hockey Player
Four women were having coffee and bragging about their children. The first woman says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." The next woman tries to top her, "Really? My son married the princess of a small European country and when he walks into the room, people call him your highness!" The third woman chirps, "Well, my son is a cardinal of the church. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him your eminence!" The fourth woman is just sitting there sipping her coffee silently and the other three look at her in a subtle way, as if to say 'well...?' She smiles and says, "Oh. My son is a very large and handsome hockey player. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "OH MY GOD...!"
Dads
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
11 Heads
Q: What has 11 heads and runs around a pitch screaming? A: A girls' hockey team!
Drunk Ice Fshing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
Hockey Moms
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. So," the coach continued, "I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it? Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother"
