Celebrity Jokes

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tysons eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

Celebrity Jokes

By Ms Swapna → Friday, September 7, 2012

Ice Hockey Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a prize fight? 
A: In a hockey game, the fights are real. 

The other day, when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke out! 

Canadian Hockey Conversion Table 
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) • New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. • Canadians plant gardens. 
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C) • Californians shiver uncontrollably. • Canadians Sunbathe. 
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) • Italian Cars won't start • Canadians drive with the windows down 
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) • Distilled water freezes • Canadian water get thicker. 
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) • New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. • Canadians have the last cookout of the season. 
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C) • Hollywood disintegrates. • Canadians rent some videos. 
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) • Mt. St. Helens freezes. • Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. 
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) • Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. • Canadians pull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) • Ethyl alcohol Freezes. • Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) • Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. • Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) • Hell freezes over. • The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. 

 Ice-Hockey Player Quantitative Skills are as cool
An ice-hockey coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"


Old Hockey Injury
Sandy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Joe, noticed and asked Sandy what happened. Sandy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Joe, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Sandy, "Oh I don't play. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I got mad and put my foot through the television."


 What Do You Believe Hockey Is
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentlemen before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history". To that God says "take the seat to my left". God then turns to Steve and says, "Steve, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that God says "take the seat to my right". God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies "I believe you are sitting in my seat."


 Hockey Face-Off
Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey? A: There's a 'face-off' in the corner.


 Hockey Player Trade
A hockey player is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, " Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" " I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob. " Oh!" exclaims Doug, " Good trade."


Hockey Player
Four women were having coffee and bragging about their children. The first woman says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." The next woman tries to top her, "Really? My son married the princess of a small European country and when he walks into the room, people call him your highness!" The third woman chirps, "Well, my son is a cardinal of the church. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him your eminence!" The fourth woman is just sitting there sipping her coffee silently and the other three look at her in a subtle way, as if to say 'well...?' She smiles and says, "Oh. My son is a very large and handsome hockey player. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "OH MY GOD...!"


 Dads
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."



 11 Heads
Q: What has 11 heads and runs around a pitch screaming? A: A girls' hockey team!


Drunk Ice Fshing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."


Hockey Moms
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. So," the coach continued, "I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it? Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother"

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

Ice Hockey Jokes

By Ms Swapna →

Misc Jokes

A boy goes to see a dance.

His mom angrily asks him:
Did u see anything there that
u were not supposed to see?

Boy: yes, I saw dad!




Customer : How much is that banana for?

Salesperson : Rs.10

Customer : Can you sell it to me for Rs.6?

Salesperson : At that rate, you will only get the banana peel!

Customer : Okay I will buy the banana for Rs.4 , but you can keep the peel!



A boy came running in the kitchen,
Boy:Dad, There is an ugly monster at the door
Dad(Looking at his wife):
Tell him we have already got one!



Teacher:
What should be in a
book to make it a bestseller?

Tommy:
A girl on the cover
and
no cover on the girl.



Do u know whats A B C D E F G?
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl

Now reverse da order, can u guess the full form of: G F E D C B A ?
Girls Forgets Everything Done & Catches(new) Boy Again.



He said… Do u love me just coz
my father left me a fortune?
She said… No stupid, I’d love u no matter
who left you the money!

In heaven together we were in a big hall.
An Angel told us to write our sins before going in,
but before l could start writing any thing
l heard you caling for ”EXTRA SHEET”.



Businessman explaining the reason for having 2 wives

“Monopoly is always damaging

&

Competition improves service”.




Husband:u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife:Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.



When u feel sad….
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
“damn I am really so cute”
u will overcome your sadness.
But don’t make this a habit…..
Coz liars go to hell !!!!



Only true friends stand by u
during bad times.
I promise
I will attend ur wedding.



The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get
up and does not stop until u get into the office…




Before Marriage:-

He: yes! atlast it was so hard 2 wait
she:do you want me 2 leave?
He: No! don’t even think about it
She: do you love me ?
He:ofcourse! over n over!
She:have u ever cheated on me?
He:No!y r u even asking?
She:will u go on wid me on picnic?
He:every chance I get!
She:will u hit me ?
He:R u crazy?I’m not that kind of person!
She:can I trust u?
He:yes..
She: Darling!

After marriage…
Now simply read from bottom to top

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

Misc Jokes

By Ms Swapna → Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Funny Valentine

Share a laugh with the one you love on this romantic holiday.

The only good time for love to hurt is when it's funny enough to split your sides. Make your sweetheart giggle this Valentine's Day with this love-inspired joke collection.

Perfectly Paired Puns
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for You." I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

A Little Nuts About Love
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna

Check Out a Romance
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell

Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

9 to 5 Love
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren't thinking of you, I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf

Mower Than a Greeting Card
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office -- and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day." Mark's wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde

Irresistable Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel

Making the Grade
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE." The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox

Read All About It
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: "Bonnie -- What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

Devoted and Determined
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "Okay, okay!" Then, as an afterthought: "But don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

By Ms Swapna → Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Funny Thing Happened At ...

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

-- Russ Permanv


As a bank teller, I was required to obtain identification from customers making withdrawals, even if I knew them. On Mrs. Brady's third visit to my window in a week, she balked at my request for ID. "I can't believe you don't know me after all these years," she said.

A few minutes later, I was relieving the drive-up teller and was surprised to see Mrs. Brady in the next car.
"Hi, Mrs. Brady," I said, laughing. "Back again so soon?"

"I'm glad you remember me," she huffed, "because that girl inside never does!"

-- Lynn Kelly


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

-- Bonnie Jones


On duty as a customer-service representative for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description, beyond "a nice blue four-door."

After a long pause, the driver replied, "My car is the one on fire."

-- Daemien O'Keeffe



Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I'll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn't know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. "We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you'd get here sooner or later."

-- Jim Novak

I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."

-- Mary E. Koppelmann


Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare when a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley-Davidson. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's..." Just then the traffic cleared and he pulled in front of me. On the back of his helmet were stenciled the words "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."

-- Amy Carpenter, Fayetteville, N.C.


As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple, who had just checked in after a long flight, came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down this hall," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

-- Polly Letofsky

After living in our house for four years we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn. carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized we packed our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"

-- Gwen Moser

My wife and I were watching the gorillas at the zoo when several of them charged at the enclosure fence, scattering the crowd, except for one elderly man. Later, my wife asked him how he had kept his composure. "I used to drive a school bus," he explained.

-- Marvyn Saunders


The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Md., led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Dave, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

-- Eileen Sullivan


My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me, and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood to deplane. Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful to have your child wear something like that."

"But it's true," Monte replied.

"Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise it." A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought it said 'Little Error.' "


-- Anne Buller

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

A Funny Thing Happened At ...

By Ms Swapna →

Doctor Doctor

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

-- William D.J. Murphy






When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy."

Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"

-- Wendy Reynolds




As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

-- Ron Norris



Panicking when her two-year-old swallowed a tiny magnet, my friend Phyllis rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

-- Marie Thibodeau, Nashua, N.H.



I'm a medical transcriptionist, and here are a few doses of what doctors have dictated for me to type up:

"The patient is married, lives with her husband, and she has no other complaints."

"His body went one way and he went another."

"Despite physical therapy, there are times when he feels really good."

"The patient works 8-hour shifts, 5 to 6 hours a day."

"She walks five miles a day, and she is being followed by Dr. Scott."

"There is a numbness and tingling in one of her left feet."

"After the X rays, the left knee was sent over to her family physician."

-- Patricia Dobson



After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants."

"But what about your smile?" she asked.

"If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth."

-- Colleen Schroeder




While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn't reach it. The woman next in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in and fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency worker," I joked.

"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

-- Becky Leidner



One afternoon a very preoccupied looking young woman got on my bus. About 15 minutes into the ride, she blurted out, "Oh, my gosh, I think I'm on the wrong bus line." I dropped her at the next stop and gave her directions to the right bus. "I don't know where my mind is today. I must have left it at work," she apologized. Just before she got off, I noticed she was wearing an ID card from an area hospital.

"Are you a nurse?" I asked.

"Oh, no," she said. "I'm a brain surgeon."

-- Rachelle Rock




Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient's tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold. When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."

-- Dr. Paula Fontaine




One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant. During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese Danish. "Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, that's just what the doctor ordered!"

-- Cindy South



Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

-- Tony Belmonte


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

-- Patsy R. Dancey

Tags: Selected Jokes Collection

Doctor Doctor

By Ms Swapna →