Funny Celebrity Nonsense Quotes
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." Douglas Adams.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." Robert Orben.
"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies." Adrienne Gusoff.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." Jeff Marder.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label" Mark Twain
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray.
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." George Burns.
"I like children - fried." W.C. Fields.
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." Daniel J. Boorstin.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan
"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." Paddy Crosbie.
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." Oliver Herford.
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" Ambrose Bierce.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the
"The most hazardous part of our expedition to
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.
"I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton.
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." B.L. Taylor.
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." G.W. Hegel.
"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens.
"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." Enoch Powell.
"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Gore Vidal.
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.
"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.
"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." Peter Beckmann.
"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck." Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in." Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing." Harry Medved on Dean Martin
"Boy George is all
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.
"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." Truman Capote on Mick Jagger
"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper." Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando
"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner." Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of
"It's like kissing Hitler." Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
"She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short." Clive James talking about Marilyn Monroe
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice." Steve Martin
"A plumber's idea of cleopatra." W. C. Fields talking about Mae West
"I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick." Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin
"A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy." William Faulkner on Mark Twain
"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?" Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me" Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting." Herman J. Mankiewicz
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with." Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person." Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
Sporting Hero's
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck." Don Schula.
"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!" Frank Carson.
"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse." Richard Sasuly.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." Jim Murray.
"Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in
"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that." Bill Shankly.
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." Woody Allen
"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious." Alan Winter.
"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up." Muhammad Ali.
"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else." Gordon Sinclair.
"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf." Henry Aaron.
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down." Rita Rudner.
"Moving from
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." Henry Youngman.
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" Steven Wright
"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night." Peter Ustinov.
"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you." Paul Newman.
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." Steven Wright
"They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken." Walter Hagen.
"In
"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won." Muhammad Ali.
"Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating." Alex Ramsey.
"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him." Jeffrey Bernard.
"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." Billy Connolly.
"When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa." Nick Hancock.
"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important." Bobby Robson.
"We've lost seven of our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is
"Winning isn't everything: It's the only thing." Vincent Lombardi.
*** Funny Famous Women Quotes ***
"I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names." Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" Linda Ellerbee
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." Margaret Thatcher
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." Katharine Hepburn
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elaine Boosler
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." Marie Corelli
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." Gilda Radner
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Hedy Lamarr
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." Marion Pearson
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." Zsa Zsa Gabor
Larry Flynt
"There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums."
"If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not to me."
"The majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."
"Any time there's a scandal, we always try and get involved."
"I may be paralyzed from the waist down, but unlike Gray Davis, I'm not paralyzed from the neck up."
"That's 'Mr. Smut Peddler' to you!"
"Your Honor, you have not made one intelligent decision during the course of this trial, and I don't expect one now."
"The two most misused words in the entire English vocabulary are love and friendship. A true friend would die for you, so when you start trying to count them on one hand, you don't need any fingers."
"Politics is my hobby. Smut is my vocation."
Ambrose Bierce
"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to."
"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."
"A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat."
Peace (n): In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher."
"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student."
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Saint (n): A dead sinner revised and edited.
"An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop."
Mark Twain
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
George Bernard Shaw
"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course."
"Those who can do, those who can't teach."
"Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty."
"
"My reputation grows with every failure."
"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."
"Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability."
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
"I was always unlawful; I broke the law when I was born because my parents weren't married."
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDelete... that was a great compilation ... thanks ... :)
ReplyDelete