Funny Comedian And Humorist Quotes
*** Woody Allen ***
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
"And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room."
"Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."
"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"I am two with nature."
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats."
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around
"I've never been an intellectual but I have this look."
"In
"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
"It is no secret that organized crime in
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."
"Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats."
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
*** Groucho Marx ***
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Here"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"In
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
*** Emo Philips ***
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"
"I was pulled over in
"I was walking down
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
Stephen Wright
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
"Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'."
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"How young can you die of old age?"
"He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go.""
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
"I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it."
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"
"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!""
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium.""
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing."
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars.""
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row.""
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""
"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it."
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
"I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?""
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
Dave Barry
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."
"What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction."
"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."
"There's no way to know for sure without finding out what a "kg" is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won."
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
"I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness."
"I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
"Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain."
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."
"Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
"The Constitution of the
"I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding."
"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors."
"When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The
George Carlin
"Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"What year did Jesus think it was?"
"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"
"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it."
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"In
"On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be."
"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense!"
"A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt."
"I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious."
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
"How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?"
"Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?"
"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"Religion easily-has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
"I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine."
"I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public."
"I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there."
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
"The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!"
"I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again."
"People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?"
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast."
George Burns
"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
"At my age flowers scare me."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."
"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman- or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."
"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
"If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."
"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now- I'm booked."
"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left."
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."
Tommy Cooper
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
Denis Leary
"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."
"I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture."
Oscar Wilde
"In married life three is company and two none." From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
"I can resist everything except temptation." From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes." From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
"It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly." From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people." From 'Sebastian Melmoth' 1891.
"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable." From 'A Woman of No Importance' 1893.
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Spike Milligan
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"I speak Esparanto like a native."
"In
"Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
"You silly twisted boy."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."
John Cleese
"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited."
"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me."
"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking Do you want fries with that?"
"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"
"When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well." (on the differences between Americans and the English)
"I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires."
"Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies."
"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip."
"The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack."
"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works."
Misc
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks.
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet." Henry Youngman.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." Steven Wright
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr.
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." Rowan Atkinson.
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