Funny Ice Hockey Quotes
"Hockey belongs to the Cartoon Network, where a person can be pancaked by an ACME anvil, then expanded - accordion-style - back to full stature, without any lasting side effect." Steve Rushin.
"A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can't hit one another." Jimmy Cannon.
"Half the game is mental; the other half is being mental." Jim McKenny.
"How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo?" Jacques Plante.
"By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series." Steve Rushin.
"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept." Doug Larson.
"Some people skate to the puck. I skate to where the puck is going to be." Wayne Gretzky.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.
"We get nose jobs all the time in the NHL, and we don't even have to go to the hospital." Brad Park.
"Hockey is murder on ice." Jim Murray.
"I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie." Brett Hull.
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my (expletive) clothes." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.
"I just tape four Tylenols to it." Edmonton's Boris Mironov, on playing with a sore ankle.
"We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor." Bobby Clarke.
"One road trip we were stuck on the runway for seven hours. The plane kept driving and driving until we arrived at the rink and I realized we were on a bus." Glenn Healy, on his IHL time.
"Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'" On the "Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn," Kilborn noted Monday was Anna Kournikova's 18th birthday..
"Part of the learning curve in Edmonton is learning to hate Calgary." Steve Smith.
"As always, I remain hopeful that Don Cherry won't be offered the same length contract." Broadcaster Ron MacLean, on his four year contract renewal.
"I have to thank the guy who fired me because he was also the guy who hired me." Serge Savard, on his firing from Montreal.
"Hockey captures the essence of Canadian experience in the New World. In a land so inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is the chance of life, and an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive." Stephen Leacock.
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Wayne Gretzky.
"I was a multi-millionaire from playing hockey. Then I got divorced, and now I am a millionaire." Bobby Hull.
"At the end of each year I make a list of my mistakes and it's pretty friggin' long." Dean Lombardi.
"There are two types of forwards. Scorers and bangers. Scorers score and bangers bang." Ken Dryden.
"You're playing worse every day and right now you're playing like the middle of next week." Herb Brooks, 1980 US Olympic hockey coach.
"People didn't know the difference between a blue line and a clothes line." Al Michaels, describing Americans' knowledge of hockey prior to the "Miracle on Ice".
"This is the only thing that has seen more parties than us." Steven Tyler, Aerosmith's lead singer, after admiring the Stanley Cup.
"When we've got the puck, they can't score." Paul Coffey.
"It's not who wins the fight that's important, it's being willing to fight. If you get challenged and renege, everyone wants to take a shot at you." Barclay Plager.
"There are still two or three guys who aren't willing to pay the price to win a game. This is not Wal-Mart. There are no discounts in this league." San Jose coach Ron Wilson.
"Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person." Jeremy Roenick.
"I was three-quarters down the list of guys I would be facing in my first game when I realized I was looking at our own roster." Glenn Healy, on playing in the minors.
"It felt like a golf swing and my head was on the tee." Edmonton's Tyler Wright, on being clubbed by Joe Murphy.
"I guess they respect my shot because they were all ready at the blue line." Patrick Roy, on his attempt at the Edmonton Oilers empty net.
"I had to pinch myself seeing the grassy knoll and the book suppository building." Trevor Linden, on viewing the site of John F. Kennedy's assassination in Dallas.
"I know I'm not very popular on Long Island. I don't know who's less popular, me or Joey Buttafuoco." New York Islander General Manager Don Maloney.
"He's a gutless puke, that's what Travis Green is. That's why he doesn't wear an Islander uniform any more." Mike Milbury, on former Islander Travis Green and his hit on Kenny Jonsson.
"We're looking forward to building the type of team the Rangers are able to buy." Phoenix GM Bobby Smith.
"I tried to talk my daughter out of going with a hockey player but, he's a good kid. He asked me if he could marry Carrie before he asked her. I said: "You want to what?" I thought he was just going to ask for more ice time." Phil Esposito, on his daughter Carrie getting engaged to Alexander Selivanov.
"I honestly believe some would have given up their left leg to stop a shot in the third period." Milan Gajic.