Funny Inner Voice Quotes
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." James H. Kabbler III.
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" Woody Allen
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" Art Hoppe.
"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso." Pablo Picasso.
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." Woody Allen
"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials." Ronald Knox.
"Not only is there no Go, but you try getting a plumber at weekends." Woody Allen
"As God once said, and I think rightly..." Margaret Thatcher.
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." Fulton Sheen.
"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences." William Sunday.
"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album." Rita Rudner.
"Thank God I'm an atheist." Luis Bunuel.
"The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted." Brendan Behan.
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it." Dave Thomas.
"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable." HG Wells.
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?" George Deacon.
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear." Woody Allen
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" Quentin Crisp.
"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read." Hillaire Belloc.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brown.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." Terry Pratchett.
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." Peter O'Toole.
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor.
"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher." Linda Evangelista.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey.
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." George Burns.
"I would have made a good Pope." Richard Nixon.
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night." Woody Allen
"God is love, but get it in writing." Gypsy Rose Lee.
"I don't pray because I don't want to bore God." Orson Welles.
"As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on." Woody Allen
"I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic." Peter Ustinov.
"I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass." Bob Davies.
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected." Spike Milligan
"No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off." Alan Bennett.
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." Joan Rivers.
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable." Mark Twain
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