Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:
"The patient refused autopsy."
"The patient has no previous history of suicides."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
-- William D.J. Murphy
When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy."
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
-- Wendy Reynolds
As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.
With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
-- Ron Norris
Panicking when her two-year-old swallowed a tiny magnet, my friend Phyllis rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
-- Marie Thibodeau, Nashua, N.H.
I'm a medical transcriptionist, and here are a few doses of what doctors have dictated for me to type up:
"The patient is married, lives with her husband, and she has no other complaints."
"His body went one way and he went another."
"Despite physical therapy, there are times when he feels really good."
"The patient works 8-hour shifts, 5 to 6 hours a day."
"She walks five miles a day, and she is being followed by Dr. Scott."
"There is a numbness and tingling in one of her left feet."
"After the X rays, the left knee was sent over to her family physician."
-- Patricia Dobson
After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants."
"But what about your smile?" she asked.
"If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth."
-- Colleen Schroeder
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn't reach it. The woman next in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in and fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency worker," I joked.
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
-- Becky Leidner
One afternoon a very preoccupied looking young woman got on my bus. About 15 minutes into the ride, she blurted out, "Oh, my gosh, I think I'm on the wrong bus line." I dropped her at the next stop and gave her directions to the right bus. "I don't know where my mind is today. I must have left it at work," she apologized. Just before she got off, I noticed she was wearing an ID card from an area hospital.
"Are you a nurse?" I asked.
"Oh, no," she said. "I'm a brain surgeon."
-- Rachelle Rock
Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient's tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold. When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.
Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."
-- Dr. Paula Fontaine
One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant. During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese Danish. "Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker.
"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, that's just what the doctor ordered!"
-- Cindy South
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
-- Tony Belmonte
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
-- Patsy R. Dancey
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