Funny Old Age Quotes
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." Oscar Wilde
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen
"So my choice is 'Or Death?'." Eddie Izzard
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen
"The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns.
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce
"It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix.
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap." Bob Hope.
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey.
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor.
"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler.
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner.
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ." Woody Allen
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns.
"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson.
"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns.
"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." George Burns.
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner.
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith.
thank you
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